Cleansing

As I look through this blog, I can't believe it's been almost 11 months since my last post.  It's not that I haven't been writing, it's that I haven't been sharing it.  Seeing where I was mentally a year ago, I feel like I have just walked out of a cave and into the bright sunlight.  A little disorientation followed by an overwhelming sense of reckless abandon to leave the safety of the cave I have dwelled in the past year I feel the winds of change coming our way again.  I cannot live without it.  I am not stagnant, I thrive on being a nomad in life.  As this becomes more apparent, I finally see why all my attempts to become something, to be someone, have faltered.  Never wanting to be boxed in, but always seeking to find a box to climb in myself I have walked down so many roads to figure out who I am supposed to be.

I did a liver cleanse a month ago, to shed some toxins and find some physical revival.  And I did.  I finally saw the release of not only 10lbs of baby weight that all my attempts had done nothing for, but also the release of anxiety, and a clearing of my mind.  I found it a little hard to believe.  The amount of energy I suddenly had, while eating only vegetables and fruit, was astounding.  And my whole being thanked me.  It reminded me of what fasting in various spiritual traditions aims to accomplish.  I have avoided fasting in the past since most of the time I understood my motive was more physical than spiritual, and so not being able to reconcile that I simply didn't do it.  But entering it as a cleanse, as a purely physical attempt to manage some symptoms I didn't expect to then find a mental, emotional, and spiritual renewal.   And in moving on past the symptoms, I began to see life a little more clearly.  For the first time in my 31 years here I understood I did not have to choose a path to walk forever.  I did not have to be this or that and commit myself to one vocation.  In fact, I could do all the things I have ever wanted to do all in one lifetime.  I know, I'm a late bloomer when it comes to seeing something like this, but as they say, better late than never.  So, now, going back to all those paths, all those boxes, I find freedom where I had found anxiety.  I can be a photographer, a writer, a nutritionist, a health professional, I can follow these paths simultaneously and embody the whole of me.

You might be thinking, 'What? Since when did you want to be a health professional?'.  Well, since a month ago.  Actually, since I was a teenager, but it's been a long, convoluted road to get to the point of accepting that.   And I still feel uncertain.  I'll try to share my story in a quick sort of way.  My son was born into trauma, into a life that has been marked by health issues.  It has been a never ending battle for me to keep it together for him, but I have been blessed in many ways in this situation.  One, that it is not as bad as it could be, as we were warned it would be, and two that I have walked this journey flanked by numerous health professionals (physical therapists, doctors, naturopaths, nutritionists, and physcologists) who have been my guiding angels.  They have brought me perspective, healing treatments, even diagnoses that have led to more healing.  They have walked through the darkness with me.  And this is one cave I stand on the other side of, I find my son to be healthy.  Sure, he gets sick in the winter and to keep him healthy we live in a strange world of gluten/dairy/sugar free-ness.  So after seeing this, after walking so long with these type of people, I realize I want to be one of them.  I'm not scared of this darkness anymore, I have walked it and have jumped into a completely different way of living than I thought possible and it is good.

It is good not just for my son, it is good for all of us.  We eat less processed food, we cook our own food with little sugar and salt and much flavor.  I now find that when I eat too much of those foods my circulation decreases, my hands get numb and swollen and suddenly that energy I worked so hard to rediscover disappears.  As we see more and more gluten free options pop up in grocery stores and resturants we know we are not alone in this, there is a growing understanding that much of what we put in our mouths and pass off as food, is not so.  And so, I have seen not only physical health with eating food packed with nutrients, I have seen emotional health and mental health improve also for both my son and myself.  It is astounding and if my story can bring that to anyone else then I am glad I have lived it out as faithfully as possible.

This past year has been one of releasing, of growing, and of cleansing.  This next year will be one of learning, of more growing, and hopefully a continued sense of walking in the light....I'll let you know how it goes.